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Have you ever made one of the following decisions?

Smoked a cigarette.

Drank too much.

Ate too much.

Ate things that were bad for you.

Neglected working out.

Had unsafe sex.

Drove a car without a seatbelt.

Drove a car after drinking.

Drove a car faster than the speed limit.

Used an illegal drug.

If you’re human, you’ve probably done many of the things on this list.  Maybe even all of them (I’m pretty sure I have.)  And yet, you probably acknowledge that these were bad decisions.

But humans tend to be bad at decisions.  We generally have pretty low self-control, and the decisions above are framed perfectly to hit us in our weak spot.  We have a hard time considering adverse consequences that are low in probability or far off in the future.

Most of the time, we can get away with the bad decisions above without any immediate negative consequences, which only makes it easier for us to feel safe making that decision again in the future.  But while making one bad decision here or there might not make a meaningful impact, the cumulative effect of bad decisions can be fatal.

Ralph Keeney from Duke University did an analysis of premature deaths in America and found that 55% of all deaths for people of ages 15-64 could be attributed to poor decisions, making personal decisions the leading cause of death for this age group (over 1 million deaths in the year 2000.)

Most of us think of heart disease and cancer as the leading medical causes of death (and they are.)  But Keeney did an appraisal to determine how many of these premature deaths could be attributed to personal decisions.

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The decisions that lead to the most fatalities (and are also linked to the high death rates from cancer and heart disease) revolve around smoking, diet and exercise.

Interestingly, Keeney also did a retrospective analysis suggesting that in 1900 this percentage was only 5% and in 1950 it was only 20-25%.  With over half of all deaths coming from personal decisions today, it is clear we have a lot more freedom in the modern world—more ways to choose to die.

This is why self-control is so important.  As we move into the future, increasing wealth and technology open us up to many new opportunities, but also many new threats.  We are not limited by our primitive technologies (like a car in the early 1900s wouldn’t go over 60 miles per hour, and crack cocaine, beer pong, and Dunkin’ Donuts hadn’t been invented yet.)

It is likely that our children and our children’s children, will have even more ways to kill themselves:  new drugs, new factory-produced delicacies, new and faster modes of transportation.  And marketers will have found new ways to lure them away from the things that they know are better for them and into the short-term hedonics with long-term consequences . . . consequences that may be fatal.

So when we think of what we leave behind for future generations, it behooves us to consider not only a legacy of more freedom, greater wealth, and more advanced technology.  We must also consider how we become more sophisticated with our strength of self-control, so that the humans of tomorrow are equipped with the willpower necessary to navigate such a world.

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References and recommended reading:

Ariely, D. (2010).  Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces that Shape our Decisions.  Harper Perennial.

Keeney, R. L. (2008).  Personal decisions are the leading cause of death.  Operations Research, 56(6), 1335-1347.

by Jeremy McCarthy

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One aspect of the emergence of positive psychology and the trendiness of happiness has been to see businesses incorporating happiness into their business models.  Zappos’ business is based on “Delivering Happiness,” Huggies has it’s “be happy” campaign and Coca-Cola’s “Open Happiness” video commercials have been hugely successful.

At least in the case of Coca-Cola, their claims about selling happiness in a bottle appear to be grounded in reality.  A study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that fast food and soft drink consumption was positively correlated with children’s risk of being overweight, but negatively correlated with unhappiness.  In other words, junk food and soda are making our kids fatter, but happier.

A lot of wellness professionals will not like this research.  We prefer it when things like health, success and happiness all come tied together in a neat little bundle.  But life doesn’t always work that way.  Sometimes, it is more important to deny ourselves short term happiness in favor of more meaningful long term objectives (like health.)

In fact, many scientists point out that a meaningful life isn’t always the same as a happy life.  In a forthcoming issue of the Journal of Positive Psychology, researchers attempt to identify areas where happiness and meaning do not intersect.

To be clear, there is a lot of overlap between happiness and meaning, but there are a lot of differences too.  In setting out to identify those differences, here is what psychologists found:

Meaningfulness is more focused on the past and the future, while happiness tends to happen in the present.

Happiness was more associated with being a taker, rather than a giver.  i.e. “Happiness seems intertwined with the benefits one receives from others.  Meaningfulness is instead associated with the benefits that others receive from the self.”

Meaningfulness was more associated with worry, stress, anxiety and arguments.  Meaningfulness seems to involve focusing  on “things one regards as important.”  These are often things we are willing to fight for or suffer for (see my article on the meaning in Les Miserables or another one on the “parenting paradox.”)

Meaningfulness was also more prominent in people who identified with the simple tasks of life, such as commuting, cooking, cleaning, maintaining the house, waiting on others, reading for pleasure, napping, balancing finances and emailing (none of which had any correlation with happiness.)

There are two things I take away from this kind of research.  The first is that moment-to-moment happiness should not be our top priority.  The authors suggest that “happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life” and that “positive psychology [should] focus some of its energy on understanding meaningfulness.”

But my other takeaway is that much of the debates about “happiness vs. meaning” in psychology are semantic.  There are plenty of articles and research studies like this one, suggesting that the “pursuit of happiness” is misguided.  And they define happiness as a fleeting experience of positive emotions (and/or absence of negative emotions.)

But I don’t think this is how people really “pursue happiness.”  When people say they want happiness they don’t only want to feel happy “in their life.”  They want to feel happy “about their life” (see Daniel Kahneman’s TED talk on this.)  They want to live a life they feel good about, not one that feels good.

Living a life you feel good about might mean sacrificing some positive emotions along the way.  It might mean doing chores, changing diapers, worrying about the things you care about and fighting for the things you believe in.

But whenever you want to feel good for a fleeting moment, you can always “have a Coke and a smile.”

by Jeremy McCarthy

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E-book available:  The Psychology of Spas and Wellbeing.

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Long-time loyal readers of this blog will be aware that I take a month off of eating meat every year.  I do this for three reasons: 1) I think it’s healthier not to eat meat.  2) I think it’s better for the planet. And 3) I think it’s a good to exercise your will from time to time to deny yourself things that you really want.  I’ve been doing this for over ten years.

Normally, I struggle through this month of vegetarianism and while I think it is good for me, I usually quickly rebound to my old carnivorous ways as soon as the month is over.  But this year, I tried something different.  I decided not to be so strict.  I would eat vegetarian whenever possible but I would allow myself a few exceptions:

1.  Since my wife was not on the diet (and she usually makes dinner for the family a few times a week) I would eat meat when my wife was cooking.  In this case, I would eat a bit of meat, but I DRASTICALLY reduced my portion, eating just a little bit of chicken or fish while doubling up on the vegetables.
2. I would choose meat if it was the healthier option.  I usually feel like my vegetarian “lent” period ends up not being very healthy because I eat a lot of pizza and pasta and other ultra-carby foods.  This year I decided if it was a choice between ANOTHER slice of veggie pizza and something that might be healthier even though it had meat in it, I would do what I thought was best for me and not be so dogmatic about not eating animals.
3. If I was really dying to have a taste of something with meat in it, I would.  I might not order a steak, but I would have a bite of my wife’s and not stress about it.

Approaching my diet in this less rigid way probably means it was not as strong of a willpower exercise as it normally is.  After all, I was giving myself the ability to cave in pretty much any time I felt like it.  But I managed to stay pretty good about eating mostly vegetarian and I only “cheated” a couple times a week.

But here’s the thing.  Because I made my diet easier on myself, I didn’t bounce right back to carnivorism when the month ended.  In fact, I found I could continue my mostly vegetarian diet relatively easily.  Not only that, but as I continued through my second and then third month, I began to realize I was craving meat less and less.  And when I do eat meat, I haven’t been enjoying it as much.

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I recently saw an incredible lecture by Melanie Joy on “The Psychology of Eating Meat.”  I highly recommend it to anyone, especially if you are considering the role of animals in your diet.

In the lecture, she outlines different perspectives towards food, listing Veganism, Vegetarianism and what she calls “Carnism.”  She describes carnism as the opposite of veganism and a belief system characterized by denial about the realities of our food system.

But what I’m realizing is there is a HUGE gap between vegetarianism and carnism.  There is a lot of territory in between eating no animals (vegetarianism) and the typical American diet where meat makes up the lion’s share of every single meal.  As compelling as Dr. Joy’s presentation is, it is hard to get someone to go from the typical American “carnistic” (is that a word?) animal-centric diet to a vegetarian diet.

Why?  Not only do you have to overcome all of the culturally ingrained myths about the importance of meat in your diet (which Joy does a good job of covering in her lecture) but it is hard to be a vegetarian in a carnivorous world.  Restaurants, supermarkets and your own social circles are all conspired against you.

A much easier shift away from carnism would be to move to a “vegetarianish” diet.  The vegetarianish diet doesn’t mean you have to swear off meat altogether.  It means you don’t eat animals as the default.  You eat vegetarian most meals.  Save your meat for special occasions.  “Eat less and enjoy more” as some would say.

I still have not lapsed into full on veganism (I eat eggs and dairy.)  And I am not a complete vegetarian (I still have small portions of meat from time to time.)  But I’m vegetarianish.  And it feels like a step in the right direction.

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References and recommended reading:

Blatner, D. J. (2010). The Flexitarian Diet: The Mostly Vegetarian Way to Lose Weight, Be Healthier, Prevent Disease, and Add Years to Your Life. McGraw-Hill.

Burwash, P. (1997). Total Health: The Next Level.  Torchlight Publishing.

Campbell, T. C. (2006).  The China Study: The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted And the Startling Implications for Diet, Weight Loss, And Long-term Health.  BenBella Books.

Foer, J. S. (2010).  Eating Animals.  Back Bay Books.

Robbins, J. (1998).  Diet for a New America.  HJ Kramer.

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The headquarters of my company (Starwood Hotels and Resorts) recently relocated to a beautiful part of Stamford, Connecticut.  Our new offices happen to be located adjacent to a cemetery, where I sometimes go running on my lunch break.

I’m not sure what the etiquette is of running through a cemetery where I have no relationship to any of those interred there, and I would hate to do anything that those there to mourn the loss of a loved one might consider disrespectful.  But so far, I have not seen any visitors to the graves.  It is only me, a handful of caretakers, and hundreds of tombstones.  This solitude is what makes it a nice run.  It is quiet and green  (but especially quiet.)

The tombstones make an interesting backdrop for my run.  I pay particular attention to the dates as I run by, especially on the tombs of those who died at a young age.  It reminds me of my own mortality and helps me to focus on what is important during this brief window of time I have to walk upon this earth.

Psychologists call this “mortality salience” and it can be a huge motivator of human behavior.  But not always in a positive way.  “Terror management theory” suggests that most of human activity is based on our futile efforts to deny, forget, or overcome the impermanence of life.

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When we become aware of our own mortality, we often respond with avoidance, suppression, or attempts to boost our own feelings of significance.  Sometimes this means aligning ourselves to a particular culture or world view (such as religious beliefs that contain comforting themes such as “purpose,”  “God’s will,” “afterlife,” and “eternity.”)  The downside of clinging to these beliefs is they make us less receptive to others who share different beliefs, creating conflict and discord between people.

This led Elizabeth Kubler-Ross to suggest that if we could overcome this defensive reaction to our own mortality, we could create more peace in the world:

If all of us would make an all-out effort to contemplate our own death, to deal with our anxieties surrounding the concept of our death . . . perhaps there could be less destructiveness around us. (Kubler-Ross, 1969, p. 27)

Recent research suggests that the more mindful someone is, the more open they are to contemplating their own mortality.  And rather than then being motivated to suppress or deny the impermanence of life, they are able to draw meaning from it in a positive way (Niemic, et al., 2010.)

In Oliver Burkeman’s new book, “The Antidote,” he talks about accepting one’s own morality as a pathway to wellbeing.  According to Burkeman, Roman emperors had a servant march behind them whispering “memento mori” (remember you are soon to die) so that awareness of their own mortality was always at the forefront.  This awareness gave them a sense of humility as well as a reminder to savor life while they could.

According to Paul Wong, an expert on the meaning of life, the acceptance of death (as opposed to avoidance) helps us to appreciate the “fragility and finitude of life” and to “deliberate wisely regarding our priorities and ultimate life goal.”  This gives us a greater passion for living and allows us to live in a more authentic way.

Another analysis of recent scientific studies found that “thinking about death can lead to a good life.” An awareness of mortality can improve physical health and help us re-prioritize our goals and values. Even non-conscious thinking about death — say walking by a cemetery — could prompt positive changes and promotes helping others.

Reading this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the days immediately following 9/11 in New York City.  The entire population, although mourning, was infused with a glow of altruism and compassion the likes of which I have never seen before or since.  Perhaps a side effect of being confronted with our mortality in such a brutal way.

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Every animal is biologically programmed for self-preservation, but only humans are aware that they will eventually perish.  We fight for survival while struggling with the simple awareness that failure is inevitable.

This is a harsh and sobering thought.  But by keeping it in mind it helps us remember what is important, appreciate what we have, and cherish who we’re with.

My runs through the graveyard are a powerful reminder of my own mortality and a gentle motivator for my run.  While running, I contemplate the impermanence of life, and often think of this passage from Neil Pasricha’s TED talk:

The cashiers at your grocery store, the foreman at your plant, the guy tailgating you home on the highway, the telemarketer calling you during dinner, every teacher you’ve ever had, everyone that’s ever woken up beside you, every politician in every country, every actor in every movie, every single person in your family, everyone you love, everyone in this room and you will be dead in a hundred years. Life is so great, but we only get such a short time to experience and enjoy all those tiny little moments that make it so sweet. And that moment is right now; and those moments are counting down; and those moments are always, always, always fleeting.

Memento mori.

If you clicked this link because you thought I would teach how to have a “PERMANENT” vacation, then you misunderstood.  But what I’m offering you is even better.

PERMA is the acronym described by Martin Seligman, one of the top researchers in positive psychology, for the ingredients of a flourishing life:

Positive emotions—experiencing happiness, joy, hope, love, gratitude, etc.

Engagement—using strengths to meet challenges; a sense of being blissfully absorbed in what one is doing.

Relationships—connecting with others; loving and being loved

Meaning and purpose—feeling that life has meaning and connecting to one’s purpose

Accomplishment and achievement—accomplishing goals; experiencing success

Seligman calls these the crucial elements of wellbeing.  Each one of these things is pursued for its own sake almost universally across cultures.  And each of these things, at least theoretically, can be measured scientifically.  So we can use these 5 pillars to measure flourishing in people (Seligman has said his goal is to see 51% of the world flourishing by 2051.)

In my work in the hospitality industry, I use these principles of positive psychology (among others) to think about how we can create hotel and spa experiences that help our guests to flourish while traveling.  In other words, I try to deliver experiences that contribute to PERMA for our customers.

I was excited recently when I discovered a book by Rod Cutherbert (who works in the hospitality industry) and Sebastian Filep (a tourist behavior researcher) who also looked at using the PERMA model of flourishing to create “vacation rules” for great travel experiences.  But unlike me, who is looking at this from the hospitality industry perspective, Cuthbert and Filep think about it from the consumer perspective.

In other words, how can travelers make better decisions about their own travel experiences so that they maximize the impact of their vacations on their personal wellbeing?  There are several things that I like about using these principles to make vacation decisions:

• Research shows that people, if left to their own devices, are very poor at predicting what will make them happy.
• An example of this is “duration neglect.”  While most people think a longer vacation would make us happier than a shorter one, research suggests that the duration is not as important as the “peak” moments of the experience, and then how the vacation ends (so as the authors suggest, you should make sure your vacation ends on a high note!)
• Because of these biases, the common strategy of thinking only about duration and anticipated happiness is likely to steer us wrong.  We need to think more carefully about creating travel experiences that will lead to a flourishing life.

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As Cuthbert  and Filep explain, considering the PERMA model can help to guide us along the way.  In the book, they give tips or “rules” for your next vacation.  For example:

P– “Perform random acts of kindness for locals and other travelers to boost your positive emotions.”  Helping others will make you feel good.
E– “Do less. Enjoy more.”  Rather than trying to see and do everything on a complex itinerary, slow down and immerse yourself in whatever you are doing.
R– Don’t underestimate the importance of relationships in travel.  As Cuthbert says, “who you travel with matters more than where you go.”  (I can relate to this since my wife and I basically solidified our relationship by coming together during a horrible misadventure-filled trip to South Africa.)
M– “Know why you’re going.” Make your travel meaningful.
A– “Do something you’ve never done before.” Travel is all about breaking routines and experiencing, learning or accomplishing something new.

The book (a kindle e-book that costs less than $5) has dozens of these rules.  A worthwhile investment when planning your next “flourishing” PERMA-vacation.

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References and recommended reading:

Cuthbert, R. & Filep, S. (2013).  Vacation Rules. VR Publishing.

by Jeremy McCarthy

Connect with me on facebook, twitter, or pinterest.

E-book available:  The Psychology of Spas and Wellbeing.

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Mindfulness and self-control are like two sides of the same coin.  This is counterintuitive, because mindfulness is often described as “non-attachment” which sounds like it is more about letting go of control–letting things be as they are without judgment.

The problem is that this state of non-judgmental awareness does not come easily.  It is our natural instinct to judge things.  Our minds do not turn off easily, preferring instead to constantly scan our surroundings for things to worry about.

So as much as mindfulness is about remaining unattached, it is a state that we cannot attain without exercising a certain amount of self-control.  In order to develop mindfulness, we have to strengthen our self-control.

Mindfulness expert, Andy Puddicombe uses juggling as a great analogy to describe mindfulness.  To keep the balls in the air you cannot become so unattached that you are not aware of what is going on.   Without some engagement, the balls would drop.

But you also don’t want to have such focused attention and anxiety about keeping the balls afloat that you become tense and agitated.  The goal is to be like the accomplished juggler.  Giving just enough attention to monitor the balls in the air but still able to have a conversation, or walk around, or read a newspaper article.

But while the experienced juggler makes it look so easy, this automaticity only comes after hours and hours of dedicated practice.

When I was a child, any time I saw an accomplished juggler I was always inspired to try and learn the art myself.  Each time, I would rush home, find three tennis balls and begin experimenting with throwing them into the air.  But no matter how many times I tried, they would come crashing down around me.  Juggling is much harder than the clown, magician, or street performer makes it look.

This gives us a clue as to how self-control works.  We sometimes think that having a lot of willpower means being able to exert this incredible force of will.  We imagine trembling before some alluring temptation but controlling ourselves through sheer exertion of self-control.

But this is not what self-control looks like at all.  When somebody has it, they make it look effortless.  Just like the juggler, it is as if an automatic program is running in the background keeping them in check.  To learn how to develop self-control, it may be useful to consider how one learns the art of juggling.

I eventually learned how to juggle by reading Juggling for the Complete Klutz (I’m dating myself, but this book is probably the progenitor of the entire “for Dummies” book series.)  As it turns out, the secret to learning how to juggle is beautiful in its simplicity: you start with one ball.

Throwing one ball back and forth from hand to hand is not so challenging, which means it’s also not too fun, and it’s not so interesting to watch.  But with practice it becomes automatic.  You develop consistency in your toss, your nervous system learns exactly where to find the ball in it’s descending arc, and so you develop some facility that makes it much easier when you add the second ball (and then the third.)

I would suggest the same approach with developing mindfulness or any other self-control practice . . . start with one ball.  In other words start with small practices where you know you cannot fail.

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You might, for example, start meditating 5 minutes a day (Puddicombe suggests 10.)  While this isn’t as sexy or as transformative as going away for an extended period to a meditation retreat in some exotic Buddhist temple, your goal is to increase your facility and automaticity at going into a mindful state.  When 5 or 10 minutes a day becomes habitual, it is easier to increase to twenty minutes (or thirty.)

Juggling is a common analogy for our ability to control everything that is going on in our lives.  “I’m having a hard time juggling everything,” we’ll say.  Or “I can’t keep all these balls in the air.”  The reality is we’ll never be able to keep several balls in the air . . . until we master juggling with one.

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References and recommended reading:

Cassidy, J. & Rimeaux, B. C. (2007).  Juggling for the Complete Klutz (30^th Anniversary Edition.) Klutz.

by Jeremy McCarthy

Follow the Psychology of Wellbeing on Facebook or @jeremymcc on twitter.

This article was featured on Positive Psychology News Daily.

Consider these scenarios from Barry Schwartz’s book, Practical Wisdom: The Right Way to Do the Right Thing:

1.  A judge is forced to sentence a first-time offender to five years in prison, even though her judgment tells her that the punishment is not justified by the crime.
2.  Police officers take a man’s eleven-year-old son away from him, putting him into a foster home, because the man had bought his son a Mike’s Hard Lemonade without realizing that it contained alcohol.
3.  The doctor of a man with cancer refuses to provide a recommended course of treatment (even though the patient implores him to share his expert opinion) because he has been told to only educate his patients on the options and allow them to make their own decisions.

These people hated to do what they did. It went against their better judgment. But they had to follow the rules that had been established or face the consequences. In the case of the judge in the first example, she chose to resign rather than handing down what she found an unjust sentence.

Schwartz cites these examples (and many more) as illustrative of the war on wisdom we are confronting in our society. To prevent mistakes, to prevent failure, to prevent disaster, we put rules and systems in place to leave out room for human error. But we sacrifice wisdom in the process.

Schwartz makes a compelling plea to bring wisdom back. But is he right to do so? I’m not so sure. There is plenty of evidence to the contrary:

Daniel Kahneman, in Thinking, Fast and Slow, points out that we don’t know as much as we think we do. His research suggests, for example, that a quantitative test would probably do a better job of selecting the best candidates for a job opening than the traditional interview. But most hiring managers would be hard pressed to believe that their judgment and instincts are not better predictors than a simple test.

Surgeon Atul Gawande, in The Checklist Manifesto: How to Get Things Right, shows how accidents are avoided and lives are saved by putting checklists and systems in place. Taking out frail and forgetful human decisions from medical processes ensures that the right things get done at the right time, and ultimately saves lives.

In his recent bestseller, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Charles Duhigg shows how we can make success easier in business and in life, by creating simple habit loops that remove the need for decision making.

Duhigg argues for the power of habits, citing Tony Dungy who turned the Buccaneers into one of the winningest teams in the NFL by drilling simple habit loops into them. Getting them to stop thinking wasn’t just a consequence of this strategy, it was one of the primary goals. If the players can react without thinking, they gain precious milliseconds that provide a distinct advantage on the field.

But all of these ideas seem to contradict Schwartz, who argues for a return to practical wisdom. Schwartz says we need to give people back the ability to make judgment calls and to learn from their mistakes.

He cites teachers, for example, who have been marginalized by rigidly scripted teaching protocols and standardized tests. Teachers need to use their emotional intelligence and creativity to develop their students. When you tie them to a script, you might solve the problem of adequately directing the worst teachers to perform to an acceptable level. But you kill the motivation and inspiration that the best teachers used to bring to their work and instill in their students.

So who is right?

I’m guessing that both are right. It becomes a matter of meta-wisdom or wisdom about wisdom. We need to know when it makes sense to streamline things with simple procedures and systems, and when it makes sense to allow humans to express their creativity, perhaps risking failure, perhaps inspiring innovation.

Barry Schwartz

Where Schwartz’ argument is most compelling is when you consider what kind of future each strategy creates. If we remove human judgment and creativity from things like law, education, medicine, we may streamline things, but we may also stifle the growth of human ingenuity. If we don’t need to use our minds to make decisions, we will lose our decision-making abilities altogether.

Practical wisdom, on the other hand, pushes people to be responsible for their decisions and to learn from them. In this strategy, we might expose ourselves to more risks along the way, but we become a wiser society by doing so.

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References and recommended reading:

Duhigg, C. (2012). The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business. Random House.

Gawande, A. (2011). The Checklist Manifesto: How to Get Things Right. Picador Press.

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. London, Allen Lane.

Schwartz, B. & Sharpe, K. (2011). Practical Wisdom: The Right Way to Do the Right Thing. New York: Penguin Group.

Schwartz, B. (2009). Our loss of wisdom. TED Talk. Mentions practical wisdom: combination of moral will and moral skill. “The good news is that you don’t need to be brilliant to wise. The bad news is that without wisdom, brilliance isn’t enough.”

by Jeremy McCarthy

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April is “Stress Awareness Month” as sponsored by the “Health Resource Network” and April 16^th specifically (the day after Tax Day) is “National Stress Awareness Day” in the United States.

When I first heard about these “holidays,” I thought it was pretty ridiculous.  I think it’s safe to say we are all pretty aware of stress (maybe even too aware.)  Warnings about stress, along with strategies to overcome it, seem to be found just about everywhere we look.

Stress is the #1 reason why people come to visit spas (the industry I work in) and my studies in positive psychology uncover a variety of interventions for managing stress from sleep, to exercise, to relationships, to positive experiences.

Not only do we have more than sufficient awareness of stress in our society, but we also have a healthy and growing body of research on strategies to combat it.  So why does it feel like life keeps getting more stressful?  What are we doing wrong?

In a new book called “One Nation Under Stress: The Trouble with Stress as an Idea,” social work professor Dana Becker suggests that our efforts at stress relief have been misguided at best.  In the past decades, we have focused our efforts on awareness, and individual responsibility, while ignoring the societal problems that are the root causes of human anxiety.

Although I think her book is based a little bit on a false dichotomy—presuming we should either take responsibility for our responses to stressors or address the societal factors that are at their root—I do agree with her criticism.

I have often felt, for example, that positive psychology would be far more effective if it pointed it’s lens at communal and societal wellbeing, rather than being almost exclusively oriented towards the individual pursuit of happiness (thankfully, some governments are beginning to discuss this idea.)

But here in the U.S., we live in an individualistic society, where people are expected to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  So when women (and particularly women with children) show increasing signs of stress, we don’t question our societal views towards families (my wife and I are always pleasantly surprised at the preferential treatment we get when traveling with children in other countries) and we accept as a fact of life the economic situation that pushes increasing numbers of households to pursue two incomes.  Rather than questioning the cultural norms we are establishing in our society, we give women “tips” on how to manage their stress.

When soldiers come back from combat with post traumatic stress disorder, we don’t re-examine the true costs of warfare.  We give our soldiers resilience training to teach them how to “bounce back” from traumatic experiences.

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And across a myriad of stressors from work, traffic, economic woes, racism, illness, etc. we coach individuals on how to keep stress at bay, through yoga, meditation, exercise, journaling, cognitive reframing, therapy, or even medication.  And all of this stress-relieving activity makes us feel like we are doing something while we ignore the big problems of modern America.

Becker says that the first step in creating a different attitude towards stress is to recognize the vulnerability of the human condition.  Stress is not a disease or disorder to be diagnosed and treated on an individual basis.  It is a sign of our sensitivity to our surroundings and a gauge through which we can measure the health of our society.

Rather than trying to squelch the essential vulnerability that is a core facet of human nature, we should learn from it to make a better world.  A world where there is more peace and less trauma, less inequality and poverty and more quality time to spend with loved ones, a world where there is less competition and more collaboration for the betterment of all.

So the real stress relief does not come from breathing exercises, scented candles and self-help books.; although those things may all help.  Real stress relief comes from meaningful changes to our society that consider the vulnerability of humanity and create communities where flourishing can take place.

—

References and recommended reading:

Becker, D. (2013). One Nation Under Stress: The Trouble with Stress as an Idea. Oxford University Press.

by Jeremy McCarthy

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E-book available:  The Psychology of Spas and Wellbeing.

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Tomorrow is “World Happiness Day,” an official holiday recognized by the United Nations to honor “a fundamental human goal,” the pursuit of happiness.

Thanks to the burgeoning field of positive psychology, there has been a deluge of new books and information on the secrets to human happiness:  Authentic Happiness, The How of Happiness, The Happiness Hypothesis, and Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth just to name a few, all written by researchers and based on the latest science of human flourishing.

There’s only one problem . . . positive psychology has been somewhat self-centered.  In other words, all of the books and research is focused on the selfish pursuit of individual happiness rather than tackling the challenges of societal wellbeing.

I thought I would celebrate World Happiness Day by proposing a new book title that is currently missing from the positive psychology bookshelves:  “How to Make Other People Happy.”  Think about this for a moment.  Whether you are a parent or a child, an employer or an employee, a friend or a lover, other people’s happiness (OPH) is very important.  Whether it’s your boss, your wife, or your customer, there is someone out there that you need to please.

My suggestion for World Happiness Day is to cast aside your selfish pursuit of individual happiness and consider how the research on wellbeing can be applied, not for personal gain, but for the benefit of those around you.  Here are some ideas of happiness strategies that can help get your altruistic juices flowing:

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1.  Level 5 Good Mornings – I got this from Alex Kjerulf who describes himself as the “Chief Happiness Officer” and writes about “happiness at work” (a concept so foreign that he has to use the Danish word “arbejdsglaede” to describe it.)  Alex describes how you can energize your entire office by greeting them every day in a meaningful way.

Level 5 Good Mornings means going beyond the typical “unintelligible grunt” that most workers use to greet each other (Level 1) and even going beyond a simple “good morning” with eye contact and a smile (Level 3).  A Level 5 Good Morning includes “something more” such as some personal banter (“how was your weekend?”) and some physical contact such as a handshake or a pat on the back. “You can even hug,” Alex says,  “but only if you want to.”

2.  Active Constructive Responding – Active Constructive Responding (ACR) is a way of responding to other people that helps them to amplify and savor their positive emotions and experiences.  The concept is simple:  when somebody shares good news with you, you actively engage in the conversation, asking them to go into greater detail about what happened and how it made them feel.  You are helping them to relive and savor the best parts of their day.

Try ACR and you will quickly see that it leads to energizing conversations and elevates the people around you.  Research shows that ACR leads to greater intimacy between couples as it fosters a culture of sharing between partners, reverberating and amplifying positive feelings.

3.  Be a Helpee – You might think that the best way to make someone happy is to help them out in some way.  But helping someone might be better for you than it is for the recipient.  You come away with a smug feeling of “goodness” while they may be left feeling weak or feeling guilty for having had to rely on your aid.

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More happiness might be created by being a helpee and allowing others to bask in the altruistic glow of their own generosity.  Here’s a simple experiment to test this theory:  approach any random stranger in a supermarket and ask for their help.  Maybe they can verify the ripeness of a cantaloupe for you or point you towards the dairy section.  It doesn’t matter what the request is, just make yourself helpable.  You will notice that most people’s moods are visibly brightened by being of service.

It is true that the pursuit of happiness is a fundamental human goal.  But there are some who consider the pursuit of happiness to be shallow, superficial and selfish.  Other people’s happiness is a far nobler pursuit, and one that is worthy of an international holiday.

by Jeremy McCarthy

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E-book available:  The Psychology of Spas and Wellbeing.

I started my career in hospitality over twenty years ago with a part-time job as a lifeguard at the swimming pool at the Four Seasons Biltmore Resort in Santa Barbara.  I was a triathlete at the time, and the job was a convenient option because it allowed me to swim at work.

But my summer job as a lifeguard turned into a 20+ year career opening and operating spas in luxury resorts.  Over time, I grew to fall in love with hospitality.  I came to realize that in the hotel industry, (and even more so in the spa industry) you learn one of the most important skills in the world: how to take care of other people.

In more than twenty years of working at some of the nicest and most luxurious spas and resorts in the world I have learned a lot about the art and science of serving others.  I could probably fill several books on how to take care of people.  But there is no need to make it complicated.  There are really 5 simple secrets that seem to be a part of any amazing customer service experience:

1.  Welcome them.  It is hard to recover from a bad first impression so amazing customer service has to start with a warm, friendly greeting.  We all know what it feels like when we don’t get this.  When you call a business and get lost in an interminable voicemail tree.  Or you approach a service agent, only to be ignored or worse, greeted with disdain.  It’s a big difference when you walk into a business (or call or email, etc.) and are immediately acknowledged and welcomed.  Customers feel immediately put at ease and think, “I’ve come to the right place.”

2.  Serve the person.  Most businesses are focused on consistency and efficiency.  They want to make sure you get the same service as the customer before you and the customer after you.  “No substitutions” is the mantra.   They deliver consistency even when the customers don’t want it.

And they can be successful doing this.  McDonald’s, for example, does an amazing job of delivering a consistent dining experience no matter where you are in the world.  But they will never be known for amazing customer service.

Amazing customer service means going beyond seeing your customers as numbers.  It means seeing each customer as a human being and recognizing their unique needs at that particular moment.  The best customer service experiences have this kind of personal feel.  Customers feel seen and heard for who they are, and not just one of the masses.

3.  Don’t do stupid stuff.  Most businesses are their own worst enemy.  They have the potential to create an amazing customer experience, but they screw something up.  Usually because they are enforcing some company policy that completely neglects the circumstances of this particular customer and this particular situation (see #2). 

If you find yourself citing “company policy” as a reason for doing something, you are probably doing something stupid.  If it wasn’t stupid, you would be able to explain the reason behind it without dumbly citing “company policy” (as if your customer cares what your internal company handbook says!)

4.  Resolve problems with compassion.  Even if you do your best to avoid doing stupid stuff, we all make mistakes. MANY amazing customer service experiences start with a mistake that is handled in the right way.  When you make a mistake, show you care by asking questions to understand how you adversely affected a customer, apologize profusely, and do what you need to do to keep the relationship.  The best companies see challenges as an opportunity to prove how much their customers mean to them.

5.  Thank them.  Amazing customer service ends on a positive note, usually with the business effusively thanking the customer for their patronage.  The customer leaves feeling good about their purchase, not only because they valued the product or service that they received, but because they contributed to an organization made up of people they like.  They feel respected and appreciated.

Most business leaders will gloss over this article.  There is nothing new here.  Nothing that isn’t common sense and nothing that you haven’t heard before.  And yet, very few businesses are able to execute on these 5 simple pillars of amazing customer service.

If you are in business, redouble your efforts on the basics.  Your customers will love you for it.

by Jeremy McCarthy

Connect with me on facebook, twitter, or pinterest.

E-book available:  The Psychology of Spas and Wellbeing.