Three weeks ago, my wife and I welcomed our new son, Max, into the world.  Now that mommy and baby are both home, healthy and happy, I can admit something that I didn’t tell my wife during the delivery . . . I was terrified.

While I was excited to meet my new son, I couldn’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong.  We had a complicated delivery with our first son, and we already knew this one would be somewhat challenging as well (our son weighed over 10 lbs at birth!)

I can’t think of anything scarier than having my wife and child, two people I love more than anything in the world, in the hands of our health care system.  Don’t get me wrong, the staff in the hospital were all amazingly wonderful.  But it is terrifying when powerful drugs are being administered, risks are being explained, and decisions are being made.  I want to trust in the medical professionals that are caring for my wife and son, but I can never be sure what decisions are being made for the good of the patient versus the efficiency and financial interests of the hospital.  This is the problem with our capitalist society.

In retrospect, everything worked out great.  Our baby is beautiful, my wife is healthy, and all of us couldn’t be happier.  But during the delivery, and in the hours leading up to it, I couldn’t help thinking of danger . . . lives were at risk . . . we could lose it all.

This is the downside of having great things happen in your life.  The more you have, the more you have to lose.  And life is unpredictable . . . so anything that you hold dear: your family, your loved ones, your home, your car, your wealth, your career . . . it could be ripped away at any time.

According to psychologists (Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky,) humans naturally seek to avoid losses.  The utility curve is steeper for losses than for gains, meaning that we value avoiding losses more than we value acquiring gains.  We have much to fear.

This could be one of the reasons for the Easterlin paradox: the theory that growing wealth does not seem to increase happiness (this is controversial . . . see my article on it here.)  Increasing wealth means we have more potential losses to worry about and this offsets any boost to wellbeing that we get from the gains.

Luckily, in the case of childbearing, Mother Nature has ways of making sure we aren’t discouraged by these possible risks.  So we don’t think about this at all when we’re actually making the baby.  These fears surface later when you realize you are expecting, or later still when you are watching your wife writhe in agony in the delivery room.

But it is hard to imagine accomplishing anything great in life without being able to move forward in the face of risk.  Helen Keller is quoted as saying, “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”  You have to be willing to confront your fears to bask in the greatest rewards (as I am basking now with my darling son.)

It seems to me there are three healthy psychological strategies that we can take when confronting fear of loss:

1. Play it safe.  We exercise our loss aversion and take the safe road.  This strategy protects us from losses but jeopardizes our potential to live a life that is remarkable (see “safe is risky” at 14:19 in this great video from Seth Godin, who preaches the importance of taking risks to be successful.) Because of our aversion to loss, we have a good chance to overreact to fear, allowing it to prevent us from acting, even when action would be in our best interest.

2. Practice realistic optimism.  “Reality can be fuzzy,” says psychologist Sandra Schneider.  And perceived risk is often exactly that, a figment of our perceptions.  Realistic optimism means assessing concretely the reality of the situation and focusing on the positive possibilities from among the possible interpretations of the situation.  This helps us to maintain a realistic approach while not being derailed by our tendency to focus on the “worst case scenario.”

3. The glass is already broken.  Buddhist philosophy teaches a deep acceptance of human frailty.  We, and everyone we know will get sick, get old, and some day die.  By accepting this impermanence of life, we are able to appreciate more the moments we have, and rebound faster from losses that occur.  “The glass is already broken” is a Buddhist meditation on this principle.  It’s not about the glass being half full or half empty.  When we recognize that we are experiencing a precious moment of unbrokenness of the glass, we can cherish the moment, knowing that it is fleeting.

For us, the fear has passed (at least for the moment,) and we are cherishing the unbrokenness of our beautiful family (see photo of Mommy, Dylan and Max!)

How do you handle fear and risk?

Related posts:

1. And Some Will Die: Risk and Reality on the Road
2. Positive Psychology for New Parents: 5 Tips

Christine by milopeng

The yoga blogosphere (yogosphere?) has been abuzz the past week debating two recent controversies that boiled up on the internet.  The first one stemmed from a New York Times article written by William J. Broad, entitled, “How Yoga can Wreck Your Body” (which was excerpted from his soon to be released book on “The Science of Yoga: The Risks and the Rewards.”)  The article reads like an exposé on yoga’s dirty little secret: it’s not always good for you.

Within, Broad shares frightening case studies and statistics insinuating a high risk of injuries from yoga practice, a claim that has yoga practitioners everywhere with their bandhas all in a bundle.  Many have risen to defend their beloved practice denouncing both Broad and the New York Times as being inflammatory as a way to sell books and newspapers–criticism that is probably at least partially deserved given the sensationalist nature of the headline.

Personally, I didn’t have any problems with Broad’s article.  In fact, I could relate to it.  Having a herniated disc in my lumbar spine, I know all too well the potential aggravation that the unprepared body can get from yoga.  One sun salutation can send pain shooting down my leg, and a full yoga class could have me laid out flat for a week.

I still do yoga, but I am very cautious to modify my routine to suit my needs, so I usually prefer my own practice to that of a guided class where I might be pushed beyond my limits.  If I found the right instructor and the right class, I would (and should) do more.

I can understand how some might say the article is unfair, as it focuses on the risks and not the rewards.  But certainly this information is no more biased than most media coverage of yoga, which makes it sound like a cure-all, neglecting to consider the possible risks that are involved.  Instructors and practitioners are both guilty of rushing headstrong into their practice under the false assumption that yoga can do no harm.

But yogis are not immune to injuries.  Yoga probably has the same upside down bell curve that you would find in any physical endeavor.  On the left side of the curve you have beginners and weekend warriors who use improper technique and push themselves too hard without proper conditioning.  In the middle of the curve the injury rate drops substantially for people who do regular practice, are in shape, and basically know what they are doing.  And then the right side of the curve has people who do too much, and begin to exhibit overuse injuries (like the young college student in the Broad article, who experienced leg pain after spending several hours a day seated in vajrasana.  Or Glenn Black, the main subject of the article, who had back surgery after “decades of extreme backbends and twists.”  As one blogger [John Schumacher] said, learning from Black’s yoga experience is “akin to receiving advice on the advisability of riding motorcycles from Evel Knievel.”)

None of this “evidence” is enough to warrant avoiding yoga.  The only downside of Broad’s article is the large number of people who will use this information to justify and rationalize their sedentary lifestyle.  They will feel content to sit on their sofa eating bon bons and reading articles about tennis elbow, swimmers ear, and shin splints.  ”I thought about doing yoga [or insert other activity here],” they will say, “but it’s just too risky.”

Physical flourishing comes when we challenge our bodies to go beyond what they are normally capable of.  Sometimes this means going outside of our comfort zone where the risks of injury are greater.  But this is also where the benefits lie.  Ultimately, I think Broad’s article is good for yoga, as it will cause both instructors and practitioners to have a more cautious (and perhaps realistic) approach to their practice.  The appropriate response to Broad’s article is not one of defensive judgment.  We can recognize the sensationalism of our media, but let’s also learn from the stories being shared.

I liked the responses from Bernadette Birney and Rachel Anne Scott, who both used the word “duh” to describe their reaction to the news that “Yoga Can Wreck Your Body.”  Rachel Anne Scott says it well:

William, thank you for the wake up call.  We should all set our naivete aside.  Living on this plane of existence with muscles, bones, tendons, and blood, we are subject to the forces of time and aging.  We move in a world of form and limitation.  Expecting yoga to transcend the nature of this Universe is like expecting dinner to cook itself or time to move backwards.

Does this mean you shouldn’t do yoga?

Absolutely not.

Yoga is revelatory for self-connection.  Yoga wakes you up and asks you to breathe.  Yoga cultivates strength, suppleness, and fluidity. Yoga asks you to commit to your deepest and most passionate self and cultivate a deep inquiry into your life and your place in this world.  Yoga is a tool for helping you to become more fully yourself.   And – when done mindfully and with kick ass alignment – yoga heals.  So yes, do your freakin’ yoga.

‘Nuff said.

The other yoga controversy lighting up the internet arose when Equinox sports clubs released a promotional video featuring the svelte and stunningly beautiful Briohny Smyth doing a gravity-defying, awe-inspiring yoga routine on her bedroom floor scantily clad in her lingerie.

That one didn’t bother me either.

—

References and recommended reading:

Here is a selection of responses to the New York Times article:

http://www.rachelyoga.com/2012/01/a-response/

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/this-just-in–yoga-can-wreck-your-body/

http://blog.spafinder.com/spa-industry/spa-alert-uproar-ny-times-yoga-article-red-flag/

http://yoganonymous.org/new-york-times-yoga-wreck-body-article-response-mary-mann/

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/how-yoga-can-wreak-your-body-response/

http://ayny.org/how-the-nyt-can-wreck-yoga.html

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/how-yoga-can-save-your-body–kevin-gale/

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/sadie-nardini-responds-to-how-yoga-can-wreck-your-body/

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/ny-times-yoga-can-wreck-your-health-here-are-7-ways-to-avoid-it/

and one passionate and eloquent response to the Briohny Smith video:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/why-the-sexy-equinox-yoga-video-pissed-me-off/

Related posts:

1. Yoga, Mindfulness, and Great Sex
2. Why Rafael Nadal is the Best Tennis Player in the World
3. Mental Yoga: Why Psychological Flexibility is the Key to Your Wellbeing

Today’s article is by Ashley Davis Bush, a licensed psychotherapist and grief counselor who has just published a new book, Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Simple Paths to Everyday Serenity, which shows how one can find inner peace, even amidst the most stressful, annoying, or challenging situations.  Take a deep breath and enjoy . . .

Neuroplasticity is, for good reason, one of the buzziest buzzwords in the field of mental health.  Every conference, teleseminar, and CEU workshop I attend makes reference to the fact that the brain changes in response to new experiences.  Neuroplasticity is good news because it means that we can change the unhealthy ways that our brain responds to challenging circumstances by intentionally responding in new, healthy ways.

When we continually respond to situations or thoughts with anger, fear and anxiety we deepen the ‘groove’ of those patterned responses in our brain.  But when we learn to repeatedly respond with compassion, gratitude and optimism, we create new grooves that over time become our automatic response.

The trick to changing our brain is repetition.  It’s the new habits in our lives that eventually cement new neural pathways.  Of course, creating new habits is often easier said than done.  The key to building a new habit is having a reliable prompt or ‘trigger’ that reminds us to do it.

Take a great bottle of vitamins, for example. If you forget to use them, then the vitamins won’t help you at all.  However, if your morning orange juice ‘triggers’ you to take them, you will find yourself remembering to take them every morning.  We can use triggers in our daily lives to remind us to bring compassion, gratitude and optimism into our everyday activities.

The following tools are triggered by ordinary activities.  Try to weave one or more of them into your day and you will notice a difference in how you feel right away. You can’t always change your circumstances but you can change your brain!

Freeze Frame

Trigger:  when you drink a morning beverage, your coffee or tea

Tool:  as you lift your beverage, take a deep breath and as you take your first sip, really notice the flavors, ‘freeze the frame’ and think, “Ahhhh, life is good.”  When we pause the spiral of our non-stop thinking and reconnect with our senses, we begin our day afresh from a place of peace.

Stop Drop and Roll

Trigger: when stopped at a red light

Tool:  “Stop”, “drop” down into your heart, and “roll” out some goodwill to your fellow travelers.  Look at the people in other cars in front of you, behind you, passing around you, and recognize that each one of them is just like you: they want happiness and they want to be free from suffering.  To each person you see, say/think something like:  May you be happy.  May you be at peace.  I wish you a good night’s sleep.  I send you joy.  When you open your heart with compassion, you experience a deeper sense of inner peace.

Rest in Peace

Trigger:  when your head rests on the pillow at night

Tool: As you are in bed starting to fall asleep, review your day and list three things that happened for which you are grateful.  Actively recall the experience and let yourself feel the gratitude.  Then, think of yourself as a sponge, absorbing this pleasant memory. Over time, a feeling of gratitude will become your habit.

Using these three simple shortcuts will keep you mindful, open your heart and cultivate gratitude, thereby strengthening the neural substrates that will keep you happy and mentally healthy.

—

References and recommended reading:

Bush, A. D. (2011). Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Simple Paths to Everyday Serenity. Berkley Trade.

Related posts:

1. Suffering, Addiction, and a Compassionate Way Out
2. Passion and Flow and a Life Changing Book
3. Did you Hear? . . . Positive Gossip

This article was also published today on Positive Psychology News Daily.

I previously wrote an article about Sam Sommers’ new book, Situations Matter (see Why Men are better than Women at Math.)  But I liked this book so much that I agreed to write a second article in order to participate in their online book tour traveling around the internet (cool idea.)  The theme of the book is about the importance of context in impacting our beliefs and behaviors.

This article was inspired by a small scrap of paper with “Face, Butt, Wit” written on it.  It’s an example of a response that Sommers got from one of his undergraduate psychology students from Tufts university when he asked them what they are attracted to in a potential romantic partner.  While the responses varied, there were some common themes.  Most of the answers captured either a physical characteristic (face, butt, legs, fitness, etc.) or a personality trait (humor, witty, confidence, intelligence.)

Sommers reminds us that who we actually end up with probably has far more to do with situational factors than it does with these aspects of appearance and personality.  For example, one research study of a new residential community found that friendships formed based on how closely people lived to one another.  “For every meager nineteen feet of apartment floor plan that separated two Westgate neighbors,” Sommers said, “their chances of developing a close friendship were cut by nearly half.”

Another study showed that marriages were also fueled by the proximity of the pair.  In Ohio, for example, 1/3 of married couples were within 5 blocks of each other when they met.  It may not be as romantic as going on an around-the-world quest to find your soul mate (see Around the World in 80 Dates Around the World in 80 Datesby Jennifer Cox, and while you’re at it read How the World Makes Love by the wonderful Franz Wisner), but the good news is your future partner is probably regularly shopping in the same supermarket you do.

This may not sound too surprising.  I mean, there may be some amazing potential partners in other parts of the world that you will never have the chance to meet and eventually marry.  But Sommers shows that this is more than just the convenience of proximity.  He also shared research showing that familiarity breeds attraction.  Having more incidental contact with someone leads to greater attraction, even between strangers.

Reading Sommers’ book, I can’t help but think about how I met my own wife.  We met on match.com, and presumably we both had our profiles built and our own list of “Face, Butt, Wit” characteristics that we were looking for in a partner.  But my wife Catherine will tell you there were strong situational forces at play. 

She was about to give up and went online to cancel her match.com membership.  But she decided to do one last search for eligible men around her age within a one mile radius of her house.  A picture of me popped up wearing an Alpaca wool sweater that was identical to a sweater that Catherine’s brother had brought her from a trip to South America.  Catherine sent me a note, “Nice sweater, how was Bolivia?”

I could say, “and the rest was history” but even that would not cover how we came together as a couple.  It was not love at first sight.  But we met and found that we both loved surfing and so we started spending time together and the attraction grew and grew.

Surfing with a potential partner is a great way to heighten romantic feelings.  Sommers cites research showing that people are more attracted to others when they are in a high adrenaline situation, such as on a high narrow bridge.  So Catherine and I fell in love riding the waves on our favorite beach in Long Island and sharing our love of travel with surf trips to Puerto Rico, El Salvador, Fiji and South Africa.

So if you are looking for love, my advice is to forget about “face, butt, wit.”  Crumple up your list and throw it away.  Instead, start paying attention to the situations that are bringing interesting people in and out of your life and the situations that will help the seeds of love to blossom and grow.

—

References and recommended reading:

Sommers, S. (2011). Situations Matter: Understanding How Context Transforms Your World.  Riverhead Hardcover.

Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher.

Related posts:

1. What’s Love Got to Do With It? (Spas as a Surrogate for Love)
2. Love or Science? A Young Woman’s Dilemma
3. Why Men are better than Women at Math (Situations Matter)

When I subtitled my blog, “musings on the science of holistic wellness,” I did so because I believe that any strategy to improve human wellbeing has to look at things holistically.  By this I mean nothing can be taken in isolation.  Humans are complex and our wellbeing is affected by things that happen in many domains in our life.  (Stanford Professor Richard Zare said it well: “real problems are rarely solved by single department.”) 

Even in the spa industry (where I work,) although there is much lip service given to holistic healing (“mind, body & spirit,”) the reality is that only a small percentage of spas actually seem to thoughtfully consider how they treat their clients beyond the physical domain.  And most approaches to health and wellness seem to focus on nutrition and exercise (fuel and mechanics for the physical “machine.”)  Where do the mind and spirit come in?

I’m excited to say that the idea of holistic wellness seems to be finally catching on.  Specifically, I see a new model of wellness evolving around four simple concepts: Sleep, Food, Mood and Exercise.  I first heard these words put together in this way from Marie-Josee Shaar, author of Smarts and Stamina: The Busy Person’s Guide to Optimal Health and Performance (I wrote the foreword for the book here.) 

Marie-Josee has found that she can improve her coaching clients’ wellbeing by looking at their lifestyle across these four categories (and perhaps more importantly, the interactions between them.)  As an example, if someone isn’t exercising it could be due to lack of energy from not eating properly or not getting sufficient sleep.  Or maybe they are just emotionally down, making it hard for them to find motivation.

While the categories of sleep, food, mood and exercise are fairly simple and easy for her clients to understand, Marie-Josee has done a lot of research on the intricate workings of each of these facets of wellness and how they alter the body’s chemistry in dramatic ways.  True wellbeing comes when all four are being addressed adequately.

After hearing about Marie-Josee’s wellness model, I noticed a similar program being offered by Core Performance, a company offering elite corporate wellness programs (they’ve also created the fitness concept for our Sheraton hotel brand.)  Core Performance’s model is based on recovery, nutrition, mindset and movement (another way of saying sleep, food, mood and exercise.)

And this June, the Harvard Medical School Department of Continuing Education offered a course on “The Revolutionary Practice of Mind Body Medicine.”  What topics did they cover?  You guessed it, “recuperative sleep, nutrition and supplements, healing beliefs, and exercise and physical activity.”  Sleep, food, mood and exercise.

Diet and exercise have long been the staples of our daily dialogues around wellness, but they limit us to looking at the human body as a machine and leave out the psychosocial factors that affect our wellbeing.  I am glad to see a more comprehensive model starting to emerge that truly considers the mind and spirit components in wellness.  In fact, I think this model highlights the two biggest trends in wellness today: sleep/rest/recovery and mood/mindset/emotions. 

But even more important than the expanding research in two additional domains of wellness, is a shift in philosophy towards a more holistic approach and a new breed of wellness experts like Marie-Josee Shaar, who don’t look at the body as a machine to be repaired, but consider how lifestyle, emotion, thoughts and behaviors all interact to determine our state of health. 

Marie-Josee (and her co-author, Kathryn Britton) are teaching a course on this starting next week.  If interested, register here.

—

References and recommended reading:

Shaar, M & Britton, K. (2011).  Smarts and Stamina: The Busy Person’s Guide to Optimal Health and Performance.  Positive Psychology Press.

Related posts:

1. Smarts and Stamina: Flourishing for Busy People
2. Exercise and the Brain
3. A Special Thank You to my Readers

Today’s article is by a former Tibetan Buddhist nun, Paldrom Collins,who counsels individuals and couples to find more love, deeper peace and meaning in their lives and relationships. Along with her husband, George Collins, MA, she wrote the book “A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust & Restore Intimacy.”

Living in this constantly changing world can feel like being on a roller coaster ride with no end in sight. Just when you think things are settling down, you round the bend and you’re headed up the ramp for another plunge. The first of the four noble truths of Buddhism is the truth of suffering. As much as we don’t want to suffer, don’t like to suffer, try to keep suffering away, it is unavoidable. With the experience of pain, there is a survival reaction that instantly and instinctively commands fight or flight. We feel angry, we feel afraid, we feel pain.

Sometimes we augment the fight or flee imperative by creating a shield to protect us from the uncomfortable rush of anger and/or fear. This could be through a denial response like “no, not me, I don’t feel anything right now,” or we might respond by reaching for some distracting behavior or substance. It operates just that simply—experience a bad feeling, then soothe (distract) with something that at least for the moment creates a pleasurable and distracting response. The diversion can be anything. And if we choose the distraction over and over again, it can create a groove, a habit, an automatic habitual response, a compulsion. Just that simply, it is possible to slip into the territory of addiction.

Yes, the term addiction can seem daunting and, well, downright judgmental. But let’s loosen that up a bit. Keep in mind that addiction is not defined by how much of some activity you are doing or how much of some substance you are consuming, but rather by the effect on your life and the lives of those around you. It’s not about the activity or the substance being inherently bad. It’s that your use of the substance or activity is causing harm to yourself or others.

Addiction is fueled by avoidance, by the urge to get away from something painful, by the desire to avoid suffering. Ironically, the running away, the seeking of the balm, the avoidance creates—yes, that’s right—suffering. The avoidance actually creates an ongoing cycle of suffering rather than leading to relief. Investigation and liberation of the underpinnings of an addictive response will not instantly cure an addiction, but addressing a root cause lays the groundwork for beginning to free yourself from the addictive cycle.

An alternative to continuing to be at the mercy of the imperative to avoid pain (and seek pleasure) that also comes from Tibetan Buddhist teachings: compassionate, naked acceptance or “compassionate abiding.” It is not complicated, but does require that you operate counter-intuitively, in opposition to your instinctive survival impulses that tell you to get away from that which is painful.

The first step is to recognize that you are experiencing something that feels bad, that is painful, that you don’t like, something that causes you to experience an impulse to make the feeling stop. If you can notice when you are experiencing the “get angry” response or the “run away” command, you have caught the moment.

Now, instead of doing the next thing that the “get angry” or “run away” imperative demands, you have the option to let yourself feel and experience all of the energy of the anger, fear, or pain. Actually breathe it in. All of it. If it tries to slip away, invite it back in. This is compassionate, naked acceptance. Through this acceptance, compassion for yourself can arise. It is finally okay to feel exactly this angry, this sad, this hurt, this pained. You have room in your heart for this aspect of your humanity. Even this part of you can finally sit down and have a cup of tea at your table.

Compassionate abiding with your own instinctive energies is not a technique to get rid of them, not to grow them up, not to transform them into something else. It is simply allowing yourself to experience the anger, fear, or pain that is instinctively arising to get your attention. You truly cannot rid yourself of anger, fear, or pain. They are instinctive responses. You may attempt to avoid situations that give rise to these unpleasant responses, but it’s not possible.

By developing your capacity to compassionately abide, you increase the odds that you will not need to choose a familiar habituated distraction that you may have been using addictively. If you are on a particularly intense part of the rollercoaster ride of your life, you finally can choose to simply fully embrace the anger, fear, or pain you are experiencing and compassionately throw your hands up into the air.

Through this simple act of bringing compassion to your pain, you are joining in the fulfillment of the prayer to free all beings from suffering and the causes of suffering. Even if you have not been choosing an addictive response, fostering this powerful capacity to allow your own humanity is a key to the development of compassion, which creates a basis for the development of compassion for all beings.

—

References and recommended reading:

Collins, G. N. & Collins, P. (2011). A couple’s guide to sexual addiction: A step-by-step plan to rebuild trust and restore intimacy. Adams Media.

Related posts:

1. Neuroplasticity: Healthy Shortcuts to a Happier Life
2. Appreciating Joy

Any day now, my wife Catherine and I are expecting the birth of our second son.  It is a bit nerve wracking since the first pregnancy was somewhat difficult.  But our son Dylan has been an absolute joy and we have loved inviting him into our lives. Our plan is to stop at two, so I was somewhat taken aback when I saw this new study showing that the secret to marital happiness is to have either no kids or at least four.

Research shows that all other things being equal, on a moment by moment basis, most parents are actually less happy than those without kids.  This kind of study asks research participants the question, “What are you doing right now and how do you feel?”  It’s not too surprising that changing diapers, wiping mashed sweet potato off the walls, or breaking up a fight between your two children are lower down on the list than going on a date, watching football with your buddies or having a drink with a friend.  And yet parents (including us) regularly either stubbornly or delusionally deny this simple fact of science, saying that being a parent has been the most meaningful and joyful part of their lives.  How do we explain this apparent paradox?

One obvious possibility is that the parents are lying—an apparent trick to convince non-parents to make the same mistake they did.  After all, misery loves company and if we have to be woken up at 4 a.m. by a screaming child, well, you should too.  The other possibility is that parents are lying to themselves.  Rather than accept the fact that we have traded a great life of singledom for the burdensome responsibility of raising a family, we delude ourselves into believing that our lives are somehow better for the experience.

Of these two options, the latter option is likely to be the closest to the truth, but it still doesn’t tell the whole story.  To a certain extent, we all delude ourselves about everything because our memories are not so much exact recordings of our experiences, but rather stories that we create to tell ourselves that are often only loosely based on reality.  Psychologist Daniel Kahneman refers to these two sides of human existence as the “experiencing self” and the “remembering self.”

Kahneman has found that we tend to give more weight to the remembering self than we do to the experiencing self.  In many ways, this makes perfect sense since the experiencing self only has a collection of fleeting moments while the remembering self can continue to revisit these stories in perpetuity.  This leads to two kinds of happiness.  People have happiness “in their life” in the moment to moment experience of it, and happiness “about their life” as they reflect on it later.

This could explain the parental happiness paradox as parents may have less happiness in their life as they deal with an endless stream of dirty diapers, temper tantrums and eventually teenage angst.  But they have much more happiness about their life as they feel the satisfaction of watching their children grow up to be successful adults, take pride in their accomplishments as a parent or imagine their hopes for the future.

In a TED Talk on Parenting Taboos, Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman theorize that the decline in average happiness does not tell the story of the incredible moment to moment peaks and valleys that parents experience.  In other words, while the average happiness line tends to sag downward during the parenting years, this is actually an amalgam of experiences that include some of the highest highs and the lowest lows. 

This idea seems to be aligned with Kahneman’s research, which shows that the remembered enjoyment of an experience is heavily influenced by the peaks of the experience (positive and negative) and by how the experience ended.   Despite the fact that average happiness may be lower for those with children, they are experiencing incredible peaks of joy that non-parents may never or rarely get to feel.  Just like the pain of childbirth seems to fade away, almost the instant a child is born, so too do the memories of many late nights of despair trying to soothe a crying baby back to sleep, or confronting diaper changes that a hazmat crew would call for reinforcements on.

What never fades are those peak moments of joy as your baby smiles for the first time, looks you in the eye and says “da da,” or takes his or her first steps.  In those moments there is no question that being a parent is the most meaningful and joyful part of your life.

The parental paradox is an example of the problem with thinking of happiness only in the context of positive emotions.  Even if the sum total of positive experience is lower for parents, “happiness” or “flourishing” should not be measured by positive emotions alone.  There are many times in life when negative emotional reactions are connected to experiences of profound meaning.

Perhaps the parental paradox comes from the deeply profound sense of meaning, purpose and even joy, that can come when personally sacrificing for the betterment of those you love more than anything in the world. One thing is for certain: parenthood can be like a rollercoaster, and we’re about to start another ride.

P.S. If you are wondering how more than four children can lead to greater happiness, there’s an excellent article on the study here: http://bigthink.com/ideas/41697. But I still plan to try my luck with only two, thank you very much.

Related posts:

1. Positive Psychology for New Parents: 5 Tips
2. Welcome to the Club
3. When Baby Comes First

These were some of my favorite articles of the year (in case you missed ‘em!)

The First Rule of Happiness: You Do Not Talk About Happiness

If you saw the movie Fight Club, you may remember Brad Pitt as the colorful Tyler Durden, sharing the rules of Fight Club: “The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.”  (The second rule, by the way, is “you DO NOT talk about Fight Club.”)  Similarly, the first rule of happiness seems to be:  You do not talk about happiness.
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Science and Spirituality in the Spa

Science and spirituality.  These are two ideas that seem to live at opposite ends of the spectrum.  All of us in the spa industry have to find our places on this continuum, with medical spas on the scientific side all the way to meditation retreats and ashrams on the spiritual end of the spectrum.
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Dissecting the Spirit in Body, Mind, Spirit

In a previous article, I wrote about “Science and Spirituality in the Spa.”  I recognized the trend in the spa industry to become more scientific and evidence-based, but I cautioned that spas should perhaps move towards spirituality and not towards science.  After all, we already have a massive health care industry that is looking at health care scientifically, but we have very few entities in our society that look at wellness holistically, across body, mind and spirit.
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The Positive Psychology of Zombies: The Power of Perseverance

Everybody loves zombies.  Or at least it sometimes seems that way considering the strong foothold they have taken on popular American culture.  Zombies have been a staple of popular films (Wikipedia offers a comprehensive list of them here.)  Jonathan Coulton had a great song about corporate zombies that had some viral popularity (chorus: “all we want to do is eat your brains; we’re not unreasonable, I mean, no one’s going to eat your eyes.”) And zombies seem to be replacing vampires and werewolves as the popular subject of books.  One (surprisingly) successful book, “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” (a liberally modified adaptation to an old classic,) has been translated into a video game, a graphic novel and soon to be a major motion picture.
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When Baby Comes First

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.”  From the time we are ten years old, we learn that this is the way things are supposed to go.  But it doesn’t always work out that way.  For some people, the baby comes first.
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(This last one is particularly relevant, as we are expecting our second son any day now!)

Which were your favorites?

Happy New Year everybody.

Related posts:

1. Welcome to The Psychology of Wellbeing!
2. The Psychology of Wellbeing Blog Honor Roll
3. Happy Birthday Psychology of Wellbeing (and Thank You!)

The Psychology of Wellbeing would not be what it is without the inspiration of other bloggers out there.  These are the blogs that spark my creativity and make me want to become a part of the larger blogging community:

“The Good Life” by Chris Peterson.  Chris is just a great story teller.  He talks about research from the field of positive psychology but he has a knack for making it meaningful by talking about how it applies in his personal life.  I love the fact that he waxes philosophical about the science.  Also, I know Chris.  He was one of my professors when I was studying positive psychology.  And he writes like he talks so it’s always nice to imagine him telling the stories he shares on his blog.

“The Innovative Educator” by Lisa Nielsen.  Lisa’s blog is the prototype of what a good blog should be:  1. she covers a narrow subject area (the importance of technology and social media in education.)  2. she has a strong point of view on the subject and 3. she says things that nobody else is saying.  Her blog challenges traditional thinking and should be required reading for anyone in education.  But even if you’re not an educator, she will make you think differently about technology, parenting, learning and more.

“Curious?” by Todd Kashdan.  I almost hate to mention Todd Kashdan yet again on my blog because he is already the most cited person on psychologyofwellbeing.com.  But I can’t help it, because he says so many smart things.  Like Lisa, Todd likes to buck the status quo and says things that nobody else is saying.  Start by reading his book “Curious?”—it will change the way you think about everything.

“Stark Reality” by Todd Stark.  It’s hard for me to say what this blog is about.  I’m not sure Todd even knows.  I think it’s about whatever is interesting to him and he is interested in a lot of things: psychology, biology, cognitive neuroscience, human performance, and martial arts.  Well I’m interested in those things too so I like the fact that his blog transcends categories and doesn’t fit nicely into a simple niche.

“The Emotion Machine” by Steven Handel.  Steven is one of the more prolific bloggers I follow with new articles on psychology and personal development at least a few times a week.  He’s also the first one I’ll give design props to.  The design of the blog is not a major factor to me since I read most of my blogs in Google Reader anyway, but The Emotion Machine has a cool look to it.  While not being too polished/professional, he has a layout that is original and fun to browse in.  There’s always something here that is interesting or inspiring.

“Man vs. Debt” by Adam Baker.  This blog tells the personal story of a man (and his wife and infant daughter) who decide to get out of debt by living a new motto: “Sell your crap. Pay off your debt. Do what you love.”  While many of the articles talk about financial matters and he claims to have helped many people get out of debt, ultimately what he writes about is “living a life of passion and purpose.”  Blogs like this shatter the notion that we can only learn from experts, leaders or success stories.  Sometimes we can learn a lot from a regular guy just trying to make a difference and sharing his story with the world along the way.

“Politics of Wellbeing” by Jules Evans.  An important blog.  The problem with positive psychology is it is predominantly focused on individuals.  But true human wellbeing will come with changes in society, government, culture and community.  Jules draws from psychology, politics, philosophy and culture to talk about the big picture for human wellbeing.  Jules admittedly does not have all the answers, but he asks the right questions, and they are the questions that should be debated at the highest levels of leadership in governments around the world.  I like it because Jules doesn’t go for the easy answers–he likes to wrestle with the complexity of the human condition.

“Tony Equale’s Blog” by (you guessed it) Tony Equale. Tony is a former priest and the author of “An Unknown God” who writes about religion in a way that nobody else does.  He is able to take a scientific approach to analyzing the role of God and religion in our lives while blasting through all of the institutional bullshit that bogs down most religions.  Tony has a lot to teach the world, but it is not easy.  His articles require time to read, process, reflect and absorb.  But if you put in the time, you come away transformed.  (I cited Tony in my article last week on Jesus Christ, the Man.)

“Vision Spa Retreat” by Sara Firman.  I thought I was saying things about the spa industry that no one else was saying . . . and then I found Sara Firman.  She says everything I’ve been saying and all the things I wish I had thought to say.  And she says them far more eloquently than I could.  Sara is a poet and a deep thinker, and one of the few people in the industry who can capture the dream of spas as centers for holistic and spiritual healing while still being perfectly fluent in the science behind it all.  I love her thinking because she understands the framework that science provides but is by no means contained within it or limited by it.

I hope you enjoy these gems of the blogosphere as much as I have.  If you have a favorite blog you’d like to share, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

Related posts:

1. Welcome to The Psychology of Wellbeing!
2. Happy Birthday Psychology of Wellbeing (and Thank You!)
3. The Psychology of Wellbeing Best of 2011

Christmas Day, December 25, is the largest holiday in the world, observed by billions of people.  For many, this is a religious holiday, celebrating the miraculous birth of Jesus Christ, the son of God.  But the holiday has transcended religion, becoming a cultural holiday marked by the exchange of gifts and secular icons such as Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, or Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. 

Often, these two camps become divided at Christmas time.  Christians bemoan the commercialization of their largest spiritual holiday, and rail against those who attempt to “x” out the Christ from Christmas (as in “Xmas”.)  For the secular crowd, there are sensitivities around the infusing of religious themes into what they perceive as a cultural holiday.  And for practitioners of other religions, they may feel that their traditions are lost in the all consuming focus on Christmas for the month of December.

This is the challenge with religions — while attempting to unify people around shared beliefs, they tend to distinguish themselves from one another, setting people apart based on where the beliefs differ.  To skirt this controversy and avoid offense, people are cautious to make reference to Christmas with people they don’t know, preferring the more neutral “Happy Holidays” as a standard holiday greeting.  (And still we manage to offend.  As blogger Penelope Trunk says: “We are annoyed when you say ‘Happy Holidays’ because we know it means ‘Merry Christmas to those of you who don’t celebrate it.’” )

The problem with this dichotomy around how we celebrate Christmas is that it distracts us from an incredible opportunity to align and unite around shared values that are more universal.   One way to do this would be to spend some time this holiday season thinking of Jesus Christ, the man.

Beliefs about divinity notwithstanding, Jesus Christ is probably the most influential man to ever walk the face of the planet.  And while Christians and Jews today squabble over the celebration of rituals of Hanukah versus Christmas, Christ was himself Jewish, and would likely not have subscribed to such petty labels and disputes.

Jesus, the man, was a teacher and a preacher of universal love and acceptance for all humanity.  Jesus was a paragon of forgiveness and mercy who always sought peace, even with those who transgressed against him in the most heinous of ways.

Tony Equale, a former Roman Catholic preist and a thought provoking author and blogger on religion, explains that during his lifetime, Jesus never claimed to be the “Messiah” or the son of God.  Like Buddha, Jesus was merely teaching the right way to live, not for the sake of some reward in the afterlife, but because it was the right thing to do.

Who was Jesus?  Tony Equale answers the question this way:

Jesus was a human being.  What was “divine” about him, metaphorically speaking, was the superlative development of the same humanity that each of us was born with.  Jesus was not only a human being, he was a great human being … and by “great” I am not referring to the notoriety, popularity or influence he achieved.  I mean he was a compassionate, loving, and courageous visionary whose simple wisdom, captured in his words and way-of-life, has inspired people for thousands of years to cherish their humanity and care for one another. 

To celebrate Christmas, you don’t have to believe in heaven or hell, virgin births, or the personification of God on Earth.  But I do suggest celebrating the memory and spirit of a man whose life embodied love, kindness, and virtue and whose story gives me hope that humankind may someday find the strength to live together peacefully.  With that in mind, I wish you all a very merry and heartfelt Christmas.

—

References and recommended reading:

Equale, T. (2008). An Unknown God: Essays in Pursuit of the Sacred. The Institute for Economic Democracy. An Unknown God: Essays in Pursuit of the Sacred

Related posts:

1. The Positive Psychology of Christmas Stories